The Rocky Road to Recovery

Published March 05, 2009 @ 08:28AM PT

I've been struggling with my post for this week. Even though I have plenty of good topics to write about, nothing sounded right. And I have a feeling this ambiguity steams from yet another battle with my eating disorder.

I've hit another inevitable rocky patch on the long road to recovery. Yes, I saw this coming, and I understand why it is happening. The extra short story is I'm under a lot of stress, I don't feel like I have much control over the situation, but I do have complete control over what I eat. The added bonus is that our society promotes and applauds weight loss. Even if I get too thin, the fact that people comment on my size is somehow reassuring. In our culture, being skinny is equated with being happy, so losing weight becomes a way to actively pursue happiness. At a time when I am feeling down, when it is hard to wake up every day and enjoy life, a quick fix can be irresistible.

I know this. I understand this. Yet I still struggle.

Like getting high or drunk, getting thin becomes an addiction. A key principle in 12 Step programs is complete abstinence from your substance of choice. One drink or one hit can lead to a hundred more. But there is an extra twist to recovering from an eating disorder: you can never abstain from food. The essence of healthy eating is moderation. You need to eat enough but not too much. When recovering from eating disorder, it is vital to learn the art of balance, and that is what makes it so difficult to get better and stay healthy. It is all a gray area. Slip a little here, slip a little there, suddenly the disease creeps back through the cracks.

Accountability is another important part of recovery. I tried to write inspiring and insightful things, but I just couldn't do it, it didn't sound real. Now I feel like the slate is clean.

I hope this can help put eating disorders in perspective as well. The informal rule of thumb is however long you were sick, that's how long to recover. It took me 11 years to hit rock bottom and I expect it will take at least 11 years to be completely healthy. I'm only four years into the process. And I honestly think I'll struggle with weight and food for the rest of my life.

That shortcut to happiness wasn't worth the long trip through hell. I just have to remind myself where that road has taken me. Because even if the scenery has changed, the end result will always be the same, and I never want to live in that place again.

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Comments (4)

Stay strong Julie - you're very brave.

Posted by Dorothee Royal-Hedin... on 03/05/2009 @ 07:28PM PT
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Keep moving forward, Julie. Recovery from my eating disorder has been about a million times harder than holding onto my sobriety, but it is VERY worth it. And, despite the sobering statistics on ed recovery, it IS possible.

I struggled with anorexia and bulimia for over ten years and didn't think I'd ever be able to get better. I went in and out of treatment and figured I would die from it. But after finding the 12-Steps of AA and EDA (eating disorders anonymous), plus having a LOT of help from people around me, I believe I have gained my freedom from this horrid disease. The 23rd of this month will mark 17 months without using symptoms and I couldn't be happier with my life.

There have been many many slips and falls during my journey of recovery. I considered myself in recovery for over 3 years (note that I only have 1 1/2 years without symptoms), but each time I fell I learned something new about myself and about my disease.

Take what you can from this last slip, and figure out what you can change. And most importantly, TALK about it with others! Ask for help! You can't do this all on your own.

xoxo

Posted by jenni p on 04/05/2009 @ 04:05PM PT
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Dear Julie, Your strength is very admirable. I have read all of your posts here on Womensrights.change.org, and find you very very inspiring. I am about a year into recovery, and my heart broke when you listed the general "rule of thumb". I too, am hitting a rough patch, but your honesty and glimpse of integrity has brightened up my otherwise cloudy/rainy day in Philadelphia. I am a 19 year old college freshman and my LIFE TIME goal is not to be a lawyer, doctor, writer, etc. It is to have a healthy attitude towards food, life, and MYSELF. Thank you for putting the gray area into such fantastic and clear wording. This makes so much sense to me.
Best wishes,
Lee T.

Posted by Lee Tilghman on 04/15/2009 @ 01:31PM PT
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Did you get my first comment?

Posted by Lee Tilghman on 04/15/2009 @ 01:37PM PT
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Author

Julie is a web editor and freelance writer with a master's degree in journalism. A recovering bulimic and anorexic, she is especially interested in the relationship between body image, pop culture and the media.