Danetta, I am far away and cannot be by your side but let me assure you, I AM in your corner. I take a very rational approach to all issues because I find it to be the best method to sorting things out. One cannot seriously equate a professional comedian, who says things for the specific purpose of making people laugh, with the faculty of a college or with the police, social services, and/or judges whose PROFESSION is to PROTECT people like you. I know Maher has a large audience and his comments impact people more realistically than they should. But maybe he does not realize that. Maybe he truly IS naive enough to believe that no one really takes him seriously. How come when Eddie Murphy did his "RAW" standup and he talked about his Mother throwing shoes at his father and he said "Missed Me Bitch" no one went griping and crying about that? No woman should be treated as inferior and no woman should EVER be abused but we are talking about two completely different worlds here. One, is a world where pretty much anything goes (or at least it always has) in the name of laughter and the other is the dead serious world of defending and protecting women from abuse. There IS no comparison. I'm sorry!

Shannon, that's an awful spot to be in.  Unfortunately, I know all too well how it can happen.  I honestly thought it was going to be the only way out of both my childhood and my marital situations there for the longest just out of desperation and a need for self-protection.   Not good things to pair together...  I really hope and pray all goes well for you at trial.  That's not anything anyone should have to go through just because they had to fight back.

Danetta, I was also 4 months pregnant at the time and recently gave birth in June to a healthy baby boy! I often question god like why couldn't it be me that day instead of him but i'm told not to question god. I loved him so much I was willing to put up with any and everything. I'm only 23 years old and feel like I have lived a lifetime!! I have 3 precious children! two which are living with the agressors mother right now but my newborn is alo ud to live with me but my other two are not. Why is that?? I miss them deeply! And I know they miss me! I have been indicted on murder and involuntary manslaughter. But my lawyers think the prosecutor threw in murder because they are going to try top get me to plead out... But I will never do that. Because if I do that then thats me saying i'm guilty which I am NOT GUILTY! So I'm facing 15 years to life in prison for trying to protect myself my unborn child and my two other children... This just doesn't make any sense to me.

You're right, not one bit of that makes any sense - not the mixed custody or the charges - unless someone on the other end is trying to play with your mind and probably use it to get you to bargain like your attorney thinks they are.  The whole system is so twisted...  Again, I hope and pray for the best for you. I just wish it didn't have to be so miserable for you and the children during this time.

And to top it all off people are so EVIL and quick to judge. His family knew about our relationship and now at court they have tons of people 'protesting' holding up signs calling me a "murderer" and saying "he died for his children" and holding up blown up pictures of me saying i'm not innocent and just all kinds of terrible things. People act like they know what happend  but if they did I wouldn't be in this possition. They know he was in the wrong. But his arrest record will speak for it's self. He has damestic violence charges against me and assault against police officers and the list just goes on and on. I know his family is just blinded by revenge and hate and love among other things... But trying to put me away for life isn't going to bring him back.

Not at that extreme a level, but that's what my spouse did before when I tried leaving the first time and he's trying it again despite a protection order.  The first time, he told everybody - our then employer, our friends, his family, MY family, hacked my email and webpage, etc. - that I left due to "paranoid delusions" and possibly to have "affairs".  Now he's making all sorts of new and similarly false accusations and online where my friends and I can find them.  Sometimes the worst part isn't the physical violence, but what the abuser - and society - do to make us look "crazy" as if we caused this and any "abuse" was done in self-defense or even to stop us from doing "something stupid".  Stay strong.  I hope you have good local support and family support.

Oh I have AMAZING support!! Although I have lost a few friends because of all this but if that's the case they weren't "real" friends anyways... And i'm better of without them. I have put my faith in god and I know one way or the other he will see me thru this very difficult time. Aslo his family want's to try and pull the sexest crap saying well if was a man who would of done something like this he would still be in jail.... Well no thats not the case anyone who has the bail money can get out... It's not my fault they wouldn't have had the money to get him out.

You're right, friends like those you're better off without. Sounds like his whole family is quite a piece of work. Bet you'll be glad when this is over.  At least you have good support and strong faith.  That's more than many get.

Oh his family is for sure "one of a kind". I understand what there going thru but nobody is hurting like I am hurting... I mean how am I going to explain this to my children? I wouldn't even know where to begin....

Miss smith...

Im sorry that our system is failing you so miserably and that your going through hell just for defending yourself but please be carefull about sympathising with his family...

They may try to exploit that in order to make you look guilty when you aint.

I am so so sorry.  It's okay to question God during times like this.  In fact, He wants you to give Him all your anger and frustration and fear and sadness.  Just pour it all out on Him.  1 Peter says to "Cast all your burdens on Him because He cares for you."  I pray that everything goes well and that you get to go home and be with your 3 children and find a better life outside of prison.

The other thing is that it doesn't matter what laws we have if law enforcement and the courts can't be made to do THEIR parts.  The estranged spouse that I have bound by a protection order had already violated it FOUR times - and specifically the no contact part on three of them - and when I got still more email from him, I had to literally explain to the cop that showed to take the report about how it didn't matter if he was "trying to be friendly", it mattered that he SENT IT. I even had to read the protection order's no contact section where it explains "no contact by any means" before he realized that "trying to be friendly" or "seeming friendly" didn't matter.  All that mattered was sending the email.

Indeed miss amschler...

Also the fact that he was "trying to be friendly" was mad irrelevant because of his past actions in my opinion.

"Another sad part of that mentality is that "Women want men to be that way" which as is clearly illustrated here and other places, isnt true."

Ahh Thomas my friend; I believe you are a mite wrong on this one. I am as gentle, kind, and non-abusive a man as you will find anywhere but do women go for me? Oh HELL no! They all want those "Bad Boy" types. Well; when you get a guy that is rough and rugged, guess what? There is at least a 50% chance you get stuck with an abuser. Sorry, but that's just how I see it.

In that respect mr. nichols, I must concur as I too have had and still do have that same problem...Although I now do have a girlfriend who I consider to be the most wonderfull woman in the world, I still worry that the day will come when she decides Im not "man" enough for her...

However...I believe my only mistake in making the above disputed statement is that I failed to emphasise that its a misconception that women want to be abused...

My bad.

Thomas; You did not actually come out and say that women Want to be abused, though your comments could possibly be construed that way. Regardless of what you meant, the fact is that while NO woman WANTS to be abused, most want a man who is aggressive, muscular, rugged, and very direct in his approach. (It has been said that one thing you never want to do is ASK a woman to kiss you) If this is true; (gals please chime in here if you think I'm wrong) it leads a man to believe that women WANT us to just take and not ask permission first. So where is the fine line and how do we know when we've crossed it? The problem is, when you get a man who fits the description above, the risk of getting an abuser increases dramatically. So my question to the gals is: Do you want to be safe? Or would you rather be turned on? Because, according to what I have observed, you can't have it both ways. If you are lucky enough to have a man who fits the above description who is NOT an abuser; KUDOS to Ya!! But that is a 50/50 gamble and when you gamble, odds are; You Lose!

Mr. nichols...

In what way other than a lack of carefull reading of my comments could they be taken to say that "I believe women want to be abused" ?

Hey Mike, I'm a girl and I don't want someone like that, but I get what you're saying.  Women want to be loved and sometimes are willing to go through anything to get it.  But most girls do not want to be abused.

What you say is true miss williams but all too often the choices that women make in terms of partners is one in which they choose men who abuse...

In part because they judge by status and attitude which are not always if ever indicaters of a good man. 

Miss munsey...

For you to so blithely say "Get out" in regards to an adult being abused tells me 2 things about you.

1 : Youve never been abused and Im glad for that.

2 : You are sadly ill informed as to the reality of just how hard it is for some if not all abused adults to simply "get out"...

Again, I will emphasise that Im glad that you were never abused and would that no sentient being be abused BUT all too often, when you are in an abusive situation...Simply leaving is rarely if ever as easy as all that...And, in the case of women, is made all the harder by the long outdated traditional thinking that women should be kept in their place.

Tonia,

The abused don't leave because they think the road ahead is going to be difficult, they stay because the abusers usually have mentally and physically abused them to the point they believe that they need him, and/or cannot make it on their own.  Why?  Because that is what has been drilled into their heads - hear something enough, and you begin to believe it.  The other thing I want to say is that some women are threatened with their lives or the lives of their children if they leave.  Women have been murdered for leaving, children murdered as revenge.  So, while everyone is entitled to their opinions, I feel your opinion is based on misinformation and a lack of understanding of what it is like to be in the kind of relationship where you are literally afraid to breathe wrong.  Some women can and do get out, I did, but it is not so cut and dried as "just get out."  It is this oversimplification that is part of the reason for the inability of the courts and the police to protect us.  Protection orders are about as useful as defending yourself with the paper it's written on.

Oh but if only it were as simple as walking out the door.  It's typical for abusers to isolate the victim - which means adult victims often have few or no friends and any they do are often just as terrified of the abuser as the victim.  It's typical or at least common for the abuser to control money which means that the abuse victim has to literally (or at least as far as the abuser is concerned) steal money from the abuser by doing things like taking out extra cash she doesn't tell him about or not returning change from trips to the store just to have some money for when she does leave or to make calls from pay phones.  It's common to not be able to make calls from home or her own cell phone because the abuser will check to see who she's calling and if he doesn't recognize or doesn't like a number, that starts trouble. 

Even if the abuse victim survives all THAT and makes the decision to search out help, help isn't always available - especially not when it's needed. Growing up, no one would investigate the abuse in my home because the local CPS office had an official policy that if the parents were "fine upstanding citizens" (as evidenced by their membership in certain organizations or by their holding of certain careers) then allegations of child abuse was to be investigated ONLY with "clearly visible physical evidence" - like if the child was wearing short sleeves and it was on their forearms, but if they had to adjust clothing the allegations couldn't be investigated.  APS was supposed to investigate my estranged spouse about how he abused me - but never did - despite the fact they received reports from myself and my social worker in rather graphic detail.  It took a YEAR to find anyone to help me with legal aid type stuff. I'm still looking for housing assistance because of persistent violations of the protection order - and everyone's still telling me either no room or if they have room (which is quite rare around here) that I have to give up my service dog in order to get the housing assistance.  I was able to get ONE day of housing assistance in 18 months - in an insecure drop in shelter - by giving up my service dog for the night.  I swear I slept at one of the Seven Gates of Hell.  That was not a place where anyone - not even homeless adults - should stay.

That right there is why it took me so long to leave him.  And this is my second try.  My first try, I got sick while in transitional housing where I *had* to work - and the only place I could find to stay besides going homeless was in the home of his daughter, which turned out to be where he was too.  The housing place wasn't even going to give me the time needed to recover - unless I could do that AND work.

You raise an excellent point Jackie. I don't know Tila, never watched her or read her tweets so I have absolutley no pre-disposed opinion about her one way or the other. That is what some people on here fail to understand. I am approaching this from about as NON-BIASED a view as you can get. And I agree with you that no one should be hit but Especially a woman by a man because we are so much stronger and can do so much irreparable damage that it is just DEAD WRONG and I agree with Thomas that any man who hits a woman is a coward and not worthy to be called a man. However; I am also aware that SOME women will CLAIM they have been victims of abuse out of revenge or some other retaliatory motive so my question is; Which category does Tila fall into and how do you, or anyone for that matter, know that what she is saying is the absolute truth. In our current legal system, the burden of proof is Always on the plaintiff. Remember that. Innocent until PROVEN guilty! It's the reason we no longer have impulsive hangings and such as in the days of the old West. Yes! IF Shawne is guilty, he should be held accountable. Without Question. The question is, IS he guilty??

There should be a thorough investigation. That's what is called for here. Does Tila have medical documentation of DV? That is usually a pretty strong indicator that the woman is not lying. I don't know if she would lie about it or why she would I only know SOME women do. It's not as rare as you might think.

Your right mr. nichols and those that do lie about it should be punished as severely as those who abuse...Not because their women but because their lying about it only makes it harder to help the majority of women who aint lying about it.

And yes...Men who lie about being abused should also suffer just as much punishment for the same exact reason.

Absolutely Thomas. Women who make false allegations about being abused make it SO MUCH HARDER for those telling the truth about DV. I honestly believe this is one reason why it is so hard to get justice for actual victims of DV. (Not saying that Tila lied or not because I have no idea)

However; You also made an Excellent point in a previous post about the "Long Outdated Traditional thinking that women need to be kept in their place." This is problem #2 as I see it. If we could eradicate that mentality AND; put a stop to false allegations of abuse, we could make much better, faster, progress towards eliminating DV.

My point exactly! Not taking anyone's side because I don't know nearly enough about the case. I am only taking the side of common sense based on what I know about the law.

Normaly I would agree mr. dunham but all too often in cases of this nature, its the alleged victim thats alway pronounced guilty by those in authority while the accused abuser gets counted as innocent...Therefore that ideal needs a little tweaking when it comes to domestic abuse cases.

That depends on how you define: "Self Defense." I once had an ex girlfriend come at me with a butcher knife. I WOULD have hit her if she had tried to stab me or cut me with it. Fortunately; she did not. If a woman slapped me or even punched me, I would not hit her back because I know I can do so much more damage and really hurt her whereas her hit might hurt some, but it is not going to break any bones. K?

Pleasant knight mares mr. nichols.

"As Mike Nichols states, there's still a prejudice against women who dare stand up for themselves or their children in any way other than running"

This is true Danetta and I absolutely HATE it but my question to you and all others on here is not one of griping (no offense) but of action. What is it going to take to change this prejudice against women? What do YOU think it will take? I will give you my take in a minute. If everyone on here submitted one solid, rational, carefully thought out idea, maybe we could actually begin to move towards changing it.

Here's my idea. I do not have the money to make this happen but maybe someone or some organization does.

Launch a series of TV commercials, put them on Men's channels, like ESPN or the Speed channel. I will be willing to write a commercial free of charge to help the movement. It goes something like this. The commercial begins with a picture of a woman cowering in a corner of her home with a man standing over her his fist clenched in rage. Then a very deep manly voice comes on saying: "A man who hits a woman is a coward and does not deserve to be called a man. Good decent men everywhere are sick and tired of these cowardly, shameless, poor excuses for a man giving the rest of us a bad rep. So how about calling yourself something else. And leave the name MAN for those with some honor and respect. Thank You.

I like that idea mr. nichols and I too would love to donate my time and effort to such an end...

By the way...My idea would be to, in addition to your suggestion, continue teaching children that violence is wrong and should never be the first choice of option to resolve any conflict.

Absolutely Thomas. Your idea speaks to the future. Mine addresses the now. Both are vitally important in the fight against DV.

Thank you mr. nichols.

If I may, I would like to use your script from above in an attempt to make such a video...

It wont likely be fancy or spetacular but will hopefully lead to others making better ones down the road.

Yes Thomas, you may absolutely use my script (above) and/or anything else I have said on here to make such a video and if you need anything else to help further this cause, I will be happy to do whatever I can. Thank you for standing with me and showing everyone that not All men are animals.

Thank you mr. nichols for doing the right thing.

Mr. nichols and anyone else who may be intrested...

I have just uploaded my first video on domestic violence to my blog on blogger.

If you would like to watch it and let me know what you think then please visit...

http://www.ministryofthegreatspirit.blogspot.com

You are absolutely right Pam and this is why I get very cautious when someone like Tila Tequila levels such charges against another famous person. Being the rational, level-headed, person that I am, the first thought that jumps into MY head is: Truth? Or Fiction? Since I do not know, I have no choice but to hope that if it is indeed truth, our justice system will work in Tila's favor. Sadly; as several on here have stated, many times it does not. There are too many loopholes on the INVESTIGATIVE end of things. The case should be proven before it ever goes to court. However; in order for that to happen, it requires the FULL cooperation of the victim and it requires the FULL cooperation off ALL who are SUPPOSED to be on her side. Starting with the Police and including Doctors, Nurses, the District Attorney or Prosecutor, any witnesses, the staff at the hotel, etc, etc, etc. It is a long list and it can be difficult to get people to talk especially if they are afraid of a backlash. Maybe the most important thing of all is DNA. It appears to be strangely absent in this case. Given our advanced technology, surely there would be SOMETHING.

Mike Nichols,

I do not understand the DNA statement.  Where does DNA enter into the domestic violence situation?  And, in the Tila situation, would not the DNA be, no more than, proof that she was having sex with her boyfriend?  Again, I don't understand where the DNA enters in with the domestic violence part of this blog.  It makes no sense.

So you think you can hit another person and NOT leave some skin, perhaps a hair from one of your hands? DNA is not used SOLEY for sexual identification purposes you know. How else are we to be sure that we have the truth when no one knows what happens in a hotel room except the two people who were actually there. It's a fact; SOME girls lie.

I agree that DNA evidence can be used for many other things than just sex cases.  No, I don't think hitting your spouse  will necessarily leave, useful, DNA evidence. The presence of DNA evidence could not prove physical violence. It would only prove close proximity. Any lawyer would know to have it thrown out as non-contributory.  In the case of co-inhabitants, it would be a big "DUH?"   If they were living together there will, likely, be DNA from the other person (hair, skin) all over them and their clothing and such! Your DNA inquiry is still nonsensical. 

And I have experienced just as many lies from men as women!  You show your prejudice.  Been burnt?

Mr. nicolson...

According to my research and the fact that Ive actually spoken with some folks in the dominance/submissive etc community...

Even in such a consentual relationship as that, there are some lines that are agreed upon before hand that aint to be crossed and a safe word is also used so even in such relationships as that, neither rape nor undesired brutality would be permitted...

Other than that, I agree with you that consent IS the key word and I will further add that when one partner says "no" then its "no"...Period.

Thomas; I agree with you but one needs to consider WHEN it is appropriate to say No. Women need to realize they cannot take a guy to third base and then suddenly expect him to Just STOP! In most cases; that is so un-realistic an expectation it isn't funny. Once you've gone that far; be prepared to go all the way because it will likely happen. Sadly; many gals do not know that there IS a point of no return. This is no excuse to hit, there is NEVER an excuse to hit except in self defense but can one really define it as rape if the women acts like she wants it until she takes him past the point of no return and then changes her mind? I don't think so.

@Mr. McHugh:

It depends on the relationship as to whether or not there are limits or a safe word. Some couples choose to go without. (I can direct you to a blog maintained by a slave who happily lives in a no-limits relationship with her Master, for example. They handle consent on a day-by-day basis, not minute-by-minute. If she doesn't withdraw consent in the morning, then she consents until the next morning. And that's how they like it.) Again, though, as you said, the important word is consent.

@Mr. Nichols:

Ideally a person would say no well ahead of time, but we're all human. If a partner calls for a stop just shy of coitus (or whatever else) because they no longer feel safe or comfortable, that should be respected - period, end of statement.

The only (ONLY) time you ignore the word "no" or "stop" is when you've agreed that the safe word is "red light" or "funky banana" (so that the bottom can yell and scream as much as they like while not stopping the fun). But again, that comes back to consent.

Mr Nichols,

The only person who considers there to be a "point of no return" must be a vey weak-minded male.  Its called self control and a few more guys better learn how to practice it! "No!" means "No!" and in the case of sexual intercourse ignoring that word can get you imprisoned.

Mr. nichols...

While I agree that women shouldnt take men past a certain point and then expect them to be able to stop...For me, that point would be the point of ejaculation or orgasm...Yes, men have orgasms too, theyre just called ejaculations.

Still, even at such a point, if the woman said stop then thats when I pull out...If I ejaculate then some of it will get into her BUT at least I honored her wishes at the time...And yes, such a situation has happened to me with my first girlfriend.

You gotta be kidding M D...

Chauvinistic ?

In what way is it chauvinistic to point out that a man who hits women isnt a man or even what a man should be ?

I disagree mr. pietrasz...

Men being on average much larger and stronger than women makes violence against women much worse than any violence by women against men.

I will say this though...

In the end, it doesnt matter who the victim is so much as it matters that all forms of domestic violence needs to end.

Well, considering that men can do much more damage to women through physical violence than women can do to men AND taking into account the traditional belief (Thats been abused for quite a while) that men are supposed to be protectors/providers while women are supposed to be nurturers/care givers...Im not surprised about those reactions.

In any case, as I stated above in a seperate post...The fact that men can do more damage than women puts a greater obligation on them not to use violence than it would on women BUT as I have also said elsewhere...All forms of domestic violence needs to end.

But the real damage from the abuse is not the effects of the physical violence, in fact, that is a only a small part of the damage caused.  The real damage that abusers seek to create is emotional and mental, which is much worse than any physical pain.

If you think about it that way, I think you would agree that the ability to cause damage is equal.

If it's wrong for one partner to hit another, which I think everybody agrees on, than any argument based on who can injure the other party more than the other is just a red herring.  Keep in mind that these are not fights between two people, they are just one person hitting another (to be simplistic).  The person getting hit has 100% chance of being injured and the person hitting has a 0% chance.

I guess I don't understand why there's a need to always specify the genders when discussing this, passing legislation, making PSAs, etc.  Just say it's wrong to abuse your partner and leave it at that.  Doing otherwise only serves to ignore and alienate people that need help. 

Miss rodriguez...

I find it both incomprehensible and impossable to be compassionate towards a "man" who feels that he has the right to take out his frustrations, anger and/or disappointments on a woman, a child or an animal through physical or other violence...

Such a person deserves no compassion.

I agree with both you and miss lew...

When a woman says "no" or "stop" thats it...Period.